18. 3D Classics: Kid Icarus | 3DS | platformer | 2012 | 2h 56m | 5/10Oh boy, Kid Icarus. I distinctly remember borrowing this game from a friend on a Friday in 1989. I played it over the weekend, not getting far into it, hating it, and gladly returning Kid Icarus the following Monday. Lacking the polish of Super Mario Bros., the mystique of Metroid, and the scope of The Legend of Zelda, I simply found Kid Icarus to be an irritating bore. Apparently I wasn't the only kid to think so, because after the Game Boy sequel (Kid Icarus: Of Myths and Monsters), Nintendo didn't touch this franchise again for twenty one years.
To backtrack a little; Kid Icarus is about a boy named Pit. He's out to kill Medusa thereby saving Angel Land and its goddess Palutena. He'll need three magic treasures to do it. These treasures are guarded by three bosses in three mythical lands (underworld, overworld, skyworld). So you guide Pit through his treacherous platforming adventures, dying often, cursing unfair level design, and wondering what Nintendo was smoking when they shat this one out (actually TOSE co-developed the game, let's fairly spread the blame here). Folks this is a game that hates you for playing it. But at least it produced Eggplant Wizard, a character who solely made Captain N: The Game Master worth watching.
It's worth noting that the developers were trying to do some different stuff here. Most of your platforming is vertical for starters, with wrap around edge walking. Enemies often attack from above or below you, rather then from the side. (Otherwise they'll just magically materialize right on top of you, or fly through walls to hit you.) Enemies leave hearts behind, which you use to buy temporary upgrades. Also the more enemies you kill, the larger your life bar becomes. You can shoot upwards, and slow your fall's descent by holding the jump button. Also you find hammers that can break Medusa victims free, and they'll help you fight bosses in gratitude. As you go along you constantly find doors that lead to various types of rooms (shops, gamble boxes, endurance tests, enemy ambushes, etc.), but leaving them alone is often the safer choice. The world consists of 13 levels total, with every 4th level being a dungeon maze with a boss at the end. Navigating the dungeon mazes are pretty much the opposite of fun, and god help you if an Eggplant Wizard nails you with an eggplant while you're there. Surprisingly enough, all the bosses are super easy to beat... the challenge here is always the terrible level designs. Except for the final level, in which the game disingenuously becomes a shmup.
I'm not entirely sure why Nintendo chose to have Arika produce a 3D Classics version of Kid Icarus. This was not a lauded game in its day, and time has done nothing to improve it. Sure the 3D effect is nice, and the new background artwork helps to sell the setting. But nothing's been done to improve the tepid soundtrack, nor improve the boilerplate graphics, nor fix the dire level designs with their troll-worthy enemy placement. I was right to quit playing this twenty eight years ago, but I guess I've become more stubborn (or spiteful) with age. I will freely admit Kid Icarus is one of the harder games Nintendo's ever made. But the fact of the matter is, while Nintendo produced plenty of amazing games on the NES, Kid Icarus simply isn't one.
. Granted, this is like my fourth or fifth time through this game, but it took me about 13.5 hours. Judging from another save file on the cartridge that had about 18 for the minimum amount of jiggies to beat the game, I'd say I've gotten much faster 
). 
