"Hi, I'm Rayman, and I'm a fun 2D platformer for the Sega Saturn!" says Rayman.
"I have beautiful levels!" says Rayman, as it makes you die over and over again so you can see the graphics many times.
"I have interesting level variety" says Rayman, as it drags out each level on and on so that you can't wait to be finished with them.
"I have a variety of fun power-ups to use" says Rayman, as it makes sure that it gives you each one directly after the level it would have been most beneficial, and forces you to replay it for missing stuff. And ensures all the power ups control a little bit shit, for good measure.
"There's so many secrets to find", says Rayman, as it forces you down less fun routes full of bullshit enemies who spawn on top of you as you search for it's mandatory hidden stuff.
"There's smooth and stylish animation" it says, as Rayman flails his limbs around at every opportunity, making his hitbox inconsistent and unclear, and as he splays his feet out on each jump so you're never sure where they'll be when you land.
"Rayman has so much content to enjoy" says Rayman, as it implements a limited lives and continues system with a level of difficulty designed to ensure you never see it.
"Rayman is one of the premiere platformers of the 5th Generations" says Rayman, as it kicks you in the nuts over and over again. "It's so much fun"
"Rayman is a an all-time classic, and you should appreciate it as the masterpiece it is" says Rayman, as it makes out with your wife and pisses on your carpet.
"This is the game that put Ubisoft on the map" says Rayman, as it sets fire to your car and vomits on your dog.
"Hi, I'm Rayman, and I'm a fun 2D platformer for the Sega Saturn!"