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Ack's writing thread

Posted: Tue Feb 07, 2017 11:58 am
by Ack
Hey guys, I'm looking for a place to keep some of my comedy writing. Posting it here will timestamp it, and if you guys feel up to reading it, well, here's your chance.

Please note, what I'll be writing is likely to be vulgar and offensive. Foul language is a definite, some of what I write is openly and disturbingly sexual in nature, and having shared some of this with friends, I know full well how blasphemous some of what I write will be. I will be putting all of it in spoiler tags. If you like it, feel free to let me know. If it offends you, well, you were warned ahead of time.

Re: Ack's writing thread

Posted: Tue Feb 07, 2017 12:03 pm
by fastbilly1
Hemorrhoids

Edit to explain.
Years ago Ack wrote a Blackout - aka a short skit between longer skits (think of it like a bumper before commercials). It was clown standing with a balloon dog. He puts the dog down, pulls out a brown balloon, blows it up, and makes a O and announces "A Hemorrhoid." Since he told this to me it has been added to our usual joke list.

Re: Ack's writing thread

Posted: Tue Feb 07, 2017 12:05 pm
by CRTGAMER
:D Aah, another thread of controversy! Looking forward to your posts.

Re: Ack's writing thread

Posted: Tue Feb 07, 2017 12:09 pm
by Ack
I passed a Chick-Fil-A on my way to work this morning and spotted on the marquee, "Daddy Daughter Date Night This Month." First off, this is the South. Do we really need another opportunity for incest jokes at our expense? Why not call it "Daddy Daughter Fun Night" or "Daddy Daughter Meal Night" or "Daddy Can't Handle His Daughter Growing Up So He Takes Her Out for Junk Food Night"?

How is McDonalds gonna respond? "Tonight, at the McD's, Mother-Son Fuck Night, where some lucky lady's gonna get her kid's all beef patty, and there's sure to be some special sauce all over those buns." Burger King's gonna wanna compete with the Mama's Quarter Pounder Fur Burger, while Arby's is gonna give you the Sister's Roast Beef Curtains sandwich. And as for Taco Bell...well, they won't change their menu, because that shit's already an affront to God.

My second problem with a Daddy Daughter date night at the local Chick-Fil-A though is WHO THE FUCK TAKES A DATE TO CHICK-FIL-A? What about greasy chicken sandwiches and cold waffle fries says "familial love" or "good relationship material"? Do you expect to bond while spitting out the seeds from the fresh-squeezed lemonade? If I took a date to the Chick-Fil-A, it doesn't say "I value and respect you," it says "I want to get laid for as cheaply as possible and maybe use the chicken grease for lube."

But I stress, it does not say "We're breaking up." That's what Taco Bell is for.

Re: Ack's writing thread

Posted: Tue Feb 07, 2017 12:30 pm
by TSTR
I can already tell this is going to be fucking epic

Re: Ack's writing thread

Posted: Tue Feb 07, 2017 1:56 pm
by jp1
Been looking forward to some Ack originals. I'll definitely be subscribing to this thread.

Arby's beef curtains got me.

Sent from my LG-D851 using Tapatalk

Re: Ack's writing thread

Posted: Tue Feb 07, 2017 3:00 pm
by Ack
When I was in high school, I had to take a health class, where they showed us something called "The Miracle of Life." It was a shitty video about sexual reproduction, and it started for some reason with a thermal imaging of a guy getting a massive erection. I remember distinctly looking around the room at all the girls, who were wide-eyed as they watched this dude get a hard-on, and all the guys, who were thinking "So that's what my dick looks like to the Predator."

Because yes, every man you have ever met has wondered what his dick looks like to the Predator.

At the end of the video, we were then presented with a live child birth, which I know is supposed to be incredible and joyous, but holy shit I was not expecting that. The baby starts poking out, and all of a sudden this lady starts spurting fluids like a soda fountain at a 7/11. Like you could have seriously filled a Big Gulp from all the mom juice this lady's shooting out, and it would taste like the Miracle of Life.

Anyway, juicy fruit here manages to squirt that screaming little baby out from between her thighs, and everything turns hunky dory. The only problem is we now had to rewind the tape, because this is Alabama, and we're too poor to afford things like DVD technology. In fact the tape was so worn out, I didn't catch anything between predator dick and the vagina fire hose. I'm pretty sure there's a stork in there somewhere, and Jesus blesses a cabbage patch or something. Like I said, Alabama education. But anyway, so this health teacher decides she's going to rewind the video, only she doesn't do the smart thing and stop the tape first. No, not at all. So now we get to watch a screaming infant ride a reverse water slide into this raging womb, and I just couldn't help myself. I made the loudest slurping sound I could.

The health teacher paused the video and laughed her ass off. And then she pressed play, let the kid get birthed, and then hit rewind. And I slurped again. And she did again, and I responded. Pretty soon it was just a combination of "WHAAAAA!" SCHLLLLUUUURRPP "WHAAAAA!" SCHLLLLUUUURRPP "WHAAAAA!" SCHLLLLUUUURRPP over and over and over again.

Man, health class was awesome.

Re: Ack's writing thread

Posted: Tue Feb 07, 2017 7:29 pm
by MrPopo
That second one got me to physically laugh out loud. Sounds like you had an awesome teacher.

Re: Ack's writing thread

Posted: Tue Feb 07, 2017 9:46 pm
by Tanooki
Ok now I'm warming up to these pieces, nice one and an awesome teacher too.

Re: Ack's writing thread

Posted: Wed Feb 08, 2017 3:20 pm
by Ack
I have a good friend of mine, a guy called Fat Brian. We call him that because he's fat, and because we already had a guy we called Sexy Brian at the time on account of his willingness to show off his Jacob's ladder and junk tattoos. Now don't think calling the dude fat is an insult, because he knows he's fat. He's over 300 pounds of knowing it, and he loves every inch of it. He is a jovial fat man who accepts himself. And he works hard to stay that fat.

Case in point, my brother, nicknamed Goji, used to live with Fat Brian. They had good times, like using Necro lyrics from The Sexorcist to announce they were home. But one day, Brian has an absurdly shitty day at the gas station he worked at at the time. So he comes home, strips down to a pair of tightie-whities, and checks the fridge, where he finds an entire lemon meringue pie in a box. Fat Brian opens that box, pulls out a whole pie, grabs a big ol' serving spoon, and sits down on the couch to start eating.

My brother then busts in the door with a Necro lyric, "Some bitches like to get fucked in the ass." Fat Brian, mouth full of pie, responds correctly, "Gangbang the bitch with the booty in the doodiehole." And my brother looks down at this man who weighs well over 300 lbs, in nothing but a tight pair of sheer underwear, half a pie still in his hand and whipped cream and crumbs all over his face. And my brother asks, "Brian, do you know why you're fat?"

Brian sets the pie down and the spoon, wipes his chin, and looks up at my brother with all the self assurance in the world. "Yes, Goji. I know why I'm fat." And then he eats another spoonful of pie.

Brian will probably die young, and I will miss him, but he ain't going out from diabetes. He'd just headbutt that shit out of him and then go eat another pie.