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Ack
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Re: Ack's writing thread

by Ack Thu Feb 09, 2017 10:34 am

When I was a kid, I was raised in the Episcopal Church. My parents divorce pretty much put a stop to all that, and Jesus has been eluding me ever since. I mean, seriously dude, I'm supposed to be trying to find you, but you're not in my closet and you're not hiding under my bed, so where else am I supposed to look? I think Jesus needs a lesson...from Waldo.

Think about it: Waldo put out half a dozen books, and you can find him on literally every other page. And his wizard friend. And his dog. Jesus puts out one book, it's like 1200 pages long, you can read the whole damn thing and still not find him.

You know what? Fuck it, Waldo is now my lord and savior.
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Ack
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Re: Ack's writing thread

by Ack Fri Feb 10, 2017 10:28 am

I love dive bars and restaurants where it looks like the female waitstaff can take me. I don't know why but something about curvy chicks with tattoos who can kick my ass bringing me beer turns me on. But I have this problem, see: if I'm in a conversation, and a waiter or waitress appears, I will pull them in.

Case in point: I'm at this bar that shall remain nameless because I like to drink there, when the waitress walks up and asks me for my drink order. "Beer," I say, "and what do you think about nun porn?" Because I was in a bar with friends and this is what we were discussing.

"What?" she asks as she stares at me dumbfound.

"You know, nun porn. They're all brides of Christ, so the only way they can consummate the marriage is with each other deep in the night."

"Uh, no idea," she stammers and then walks off. Now I don't know about you guys, but personally I love nun porn. I make it a habit to jerk off to them getting out of their habits. But I guess the waitress did not share that personal proclivity, because 40 minutes go by before some other guy I've never seen before shows up at my table.

"Sorry about the wait, folks," he says. "I don't know what happened, but 40 minutes ago your waitress walked into the back room, said 'I need to go see my boyfriend,' and walked out on the job. Now can I get your drink order?"

"Well shit, that sucks. I'll have a beer," I say. "Also, what do you think about nun porn?"

That guy? That guy fucking loved nun porn.
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jp1
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Re: Ack's writing thread

by jp1 Fri Feb 10, 2017 10:42 am

Ack wrote:
I love dive bars and restaurants where it looks like the female waitstaff can take me. I don't know why but something about curvy chicks with tattoos who can kick my ass bringing me beer turns me on. But I have this problem, see: if I'm in a conversation, and a waiter or waitress appears, I will pull them in.

Case in point: I'm at this bar that shall remain nameless because I like to drink there, when the waitress walks up and asks me for my drink order. "Beer," I say, "and what do you think about nun porn?" Because I was in a bar with friends and this is what we were discussing.

"What?" she asks as she stares at me dumbfound.

"You know, nun porn. They're all brides of Christ, so the only way they can consummate the marriage is with each other deep in the night."

"Uh, no idea," she stammers and then walks off. Now I don't know about you guys, but personally I love nun porn. I make it a habit to jerk off to them getting out of their habits. But I guess the waitress did not share that personal proclivity, because 40 minutes go by before some other guy I've never seen before shows up at my table.

"Sorry about the wait, folks," he says. "I don't know what happened, but 40 minutes ago your waitress walked into the back room, said 'I need to go see my boyfriend,' and walked out on the job. Now can I get your drink order?"

"Well shit, that sucks. I'll have a beer," I say. "Also, what do you think about nun porn?"

That guy? That guy fucking loved nun porn.


Perhaps the waitress was really into nun porn, and couldn't wait until the end of her shift to go mix it up with her boyfriend. Also, this is the only joke I've ever heard about nun porn, actually I didn't know nun porn existed until now. CRT has been introducing me to noun porn, but that's a whole different thing I think.
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Ack
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Re: Ack's writing thread

by Ack Fri Feb 10, 2017 11:31 am

jp1 wrote:
Ack wrote:
I love dive bars and restaurants where it looks like the female waitstaff can take me. I don't know why but something about curvy chicks with tattoos who can kick my ass bringing me beer turns me on. But I have this problem, see: if I'm in a conversation, and a waiter or waitress appears, I will pull them in.

Case in point: I'm at this bar that shall remain nameless because I like to drink there, when the waitress walks up and asks me for my drink order. "Beer," I say, "and what do you think about nun porn?" Because I was in a bar with friends and this is what we were discussing.

"What?" she asks as she stares at me dumbfound.

"You know, nun porn. They're all brides of Christ, so the only way they can consummate the marriage is with each other deep in the night."

"Uh, no idea," she stammers and then walks off. Now I don't know about you guys, but personally I love nun porn. I make it a habit to jerk off to them getting out of their habits. But I guess the waitress did not share that personal proclivity, because 40 minutes go by before some other guy I've never seen before shows up at my table.

"Sorry about the wait, folks," he says. "I don't know what happened, but 40 minutes ago your waitress walked into the back room, said 'I need to go see my boyfriend,' and walked out on the job. Now can I get your drink order?"

"Well shit, that sucks. I'll have a beer," I say. "Also, what do you think about nun porn?"

That guy? That guy fucking loved nun porn.


Perhaps the waitress was really into nun porn, and couldn't wait until the end of her shift to go mix it up with her boyfriend. Also, this is the only joke I've ever heard about nun porn, actually I didn't know nun porn existed until now. CRT has been introducing me to noun porn, but that's a whole different thing I think.


Check it out, it's fun for the whole family.
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MrPopo
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Re: Ack's writing thread

by MrPopo Fri Feb 10, 2017 11:47 am

Oh, it's definitely a thing. All their naughty habits.
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TSTR
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Re: Ack's writing thread

by TSTR Fri Feb 10, 2017 12:46 pm

nuns and puns and funs oh my
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Ack
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Re: Ack's writing thread

by Ack Mon Feb 13, 2017 6:18 pm

I hate having to go to the mechanic for stuff. Cars are like the ultimate "guy" thing, so admitting that I have to take my car to the shop for anything is like intentionally emasculating myself in front of a crowd of dudes. Unfortunately my state requires annual emissions testing, which I guess is the equivalent of giving my car a prostate exam...which just makes it even more emasculating. "Yeah, some mechanic just shoved his greased up fingers in my car's tailpipe to make sure everything gets off ok." Plus, no matter what, there's always that sneaking suspicion that you're going to get screwed by the mechanic.

Having taken my car into the shop recently to have said emissions test done, I realized that I meant that literally about the mechanic. I go in and sit down, and the first thing that catches my eye are the rows and rows of magazines laid out in front of me. Cosmopolitan, Health & Wellness, Better Homes & Gardens, all of which have SEX written in all caps somewhere on the cover. Yes, even on the Highlights they've got in there for the kids. Can't go leaving the kids out of this.

And now that I've noticed the magazines are all trying to remind me to get in the mood, I then realize the lone TV in the corner is set to the news station with the hottest weather girl in town and a sign telling me not to change the channel. Through the shop window some guy is "detailing" his car by slowly working a soapy rag up and down the antenna while thrusting his hips back and forth. The word LUBE appears on whiteboards in faded black marker all over the place, and I suddenly have a realization.

Have you ever been in a situation where you realized you should have already lubed up ahead of time? I mean one where being pre-lubed is the only way to get by? Yeah, this is one of those times.

Anyway, the mechanic walks back in and tells me he's finished the emissions test and asks if I'm ready to pay. I just turned around and dropped trow.

I did get a free oil change, so that was nice.
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