RPG Progress Report

[Ack]

In ages long forgotten, valorous heroes roamed the countryside, committing acts of good will and facing fierce foes to save the people. These were the progenitors of legends, exalted tales which passed into myth. These were the days of high adventure. These are not those stories.

Instead, these stories are about a band of nitwits.

I bring you MIGHT AND MAGIC 4: CLOUDS OF XEEN!

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The city of Vertigo is a large town, though sparsely populated and full of meandering back alleys. Ack, Popo, Elkin, Exhum, Sarge, and Bone all gathered at the tavern to support their new series of adventures.

"I think we should go-" Ack started before suddenly feeling his boot squelch beneath him. The party looked down to discover he had stepped in a pool of living slime.

"Now that's disgusting," Sarge muttered.

"KILL IT ALL!" Popo roared, and the party complied. Through back alleys and down main streets they ran, hack and chopping at bugs and slime beasts, until finally entering a backroom storage area. Here, large Breeder Slimes wandered, and shipping crates were overflowing with bugs. The heroes let loose in an orgy of violence, until the last shipping crate revealed only a note that the local exterminator had been bringing in bugs to keep his job.

"That's actually not a bad idea, guys," Exhum mumbled as he read over the note. "Do you think there are any breeder slimes left? We just need one, and we could get in on this racket too." The party looked around at the splattered remains of slimes and bugs. A bit of ooze slopped down onto Popo's shoulder from where it had sprayed the ceiling. He grunted and brushed it off.

"Guess not," Exhum said with a sigh.

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The town mayor was happy to thank the party and suggested helping the local dwarves, but along the way, our intrepid band found a pyramid. Inside the pyramid, they were suddenly mystically transported.

"Oh God, we've found our way into Might and Magic 5!" Bone shouted.

"Ugh, it itches," Sarge complained. "Let's go back to 4. This is making my armor chafe in uncomfortable ways."

Just then, a gremlin popped up and looked at the party funny. Elkin pointed and shouted, "Kill it!" The party promptly began hunting down the purple buggers and knocking off their heads. Along the way, they stopped long enough for swimming lessons and to free a guy from jail, because randomly releasing criminals back into the world is a heroic deed. Hey, you don't understand the power of the fantasy prison industrial complex, ok? It's a complicated issue that is heavily racist towards gnomes.

Anyway, eventually the heroes found the camp of the king gremlin. The king gremlin, not liking that the party had shown up on his doorstep unannounced and covered in the remains of some of his relatives and at least one guy who owed him money, hissed as he sent forth his royal guard to attack. A melee ensued, which left his lip quivering with fear as he had to duck to avoid getting splattered with the flying heads of his greatest warriors.

"Please, oh mighty warriors, I will give you anything you desire so long as you allow me to-" the king gremlin began to plead, only to be silenced by Popo's sudden bellow of "HEADBUTT CONTEST!" Popo slammed his forehead into the king gremlin's with enough force to push his nose down into his own nether regions.

Popo pulled back with a grin and looked at the others. "What? I really did just want a headbutt contest."

"We're going back to Might and Magic 4," Ack said flatly.

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While wandering the area surrounding the town of Vertigo, the party discovered a gnarly, hideous statue which seemed to have no purpose beyond frightening children. "I wonder if this does something special," Bone mused as he stared into the malevolent sculpture's eyes. Our merry band decided to search and uncovered a small hut on an island.

The hut master was a meager man who looked half starved. "Bring me my bone whistle, and my statues will teach you secret arcane arts of healing."

"Wait, those ugly things heal people? Why did you give them skulls and horns then?" asked Exhum.

"Why do I use a whistle made from a bone? Don't ask dumb questions, it was the only way I could make it grimdark."

The party wandered away, found the whistle in the zombie forest, and soon returned. The hut master blew on his whistle gleefully. "Excellent! Now that it's returned, the statues are active. Go claim your reward!"

Once again, the party found itself standing before the hideous sculpture. "So, any ideas on how to do this?" Ack asked, his square jaw thrusting about heroically in such a way that all the women in nearby Vertigo suddenly collapsed.

"Leave this to me," Sarge replied. The gnome cleric began to dance a jig to the delight of his companions...until he suddenly stripped down to a tiny leopard print banana hammock and bent over, twerking before the stone sculpture. Now the party watched in horror.

"What is he doing?" Elkin asked.

"More importantly, was he wearing those the whole time?" Exhum responded.

After some intense gyrating and grinding, Sarge hopped back up to his full height. "I can cure diseases now! Off to the other statue! Bone, I'll need to borrow your staff for a pole dance for this one." The party groaned, but soon Sarge learned how to cure poison too.

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The party soon found themselves at a hut on a grassy plain. Inside, an aged crone sat in a rocking chair, a look of sorrow on her face. "In my youth, I once met a unicorn," she said with a wizened rasp. "We were constant companions. But now I think that the witches in the tower north of here have taken my unicorn friend to kill."

"Oh, I get it," said Popo. "You want us to get your unicorn back so you can kill it yourself."

"What? No, that's not what I-" the crone tried to say.

"No, no, she wants US to kill the unicorn!" Exhum shouted.

"No! That's not it at-" the crone pleaded.

"Hush, madam. WE'RE GOING TO KILL YOUR UNICORN!" Ack roared cheerfully. The party raised their weapons and charged across the field, leaving the mortified old woman watching them with wide eyes. Soon the band found themselves at a tower guarded by a grey golem covered in runes.

"Why are you here?"

"We're here to bust in, kill all the witches, and then rescue that unicorn so we can kill it ourselves," Elkin replied promptly.

The golem seemed to think this over. "Well, you have a pass, so...have fun I guess. I'll just sit here for another millennium." And despite the screams and cries of pain from the witches inside, he did just that.

Soon, the party returned, having slaughtered witches and harpies alike. "We killed all those people," Exhum complained, "only to find they'd already killed the unicorn."

"At least we got its horn," Bone replied.

"Yeah, we did!" Elkin shouted as he thrusted his hips, the unicorn horn springing forth from where he held it in his loincloth. The party laughed and returned it to the old crone, unfortunately forgetting to inform her that she should probably wash her hands after holding it. Whatever, the smell probably tipped her off anyway.

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A short while later, the adventurers found themselves faced with a city full of vampires...which they promptly slaughtered. And then they found vampire gnomes.

"They're so cute!" Elkin shouted as he popped one in the face with an arrow.

"I know! So adorable!" Popo roared as his axe bit through another's neck and severed the head clean off. It landed in front of Exhum, who kicked it away like a soccer ball.

"This has got to be the cutest thing we have ever done," Bone said with a grin, while Ack nodded his massive, manly chin. Outside the city, a traveling woman fell back in a daze and fanned herself to fend off the vapors. Meanwhile, with their bloody work finished, and the head vampire now little more than a bloody puddle on the floor, the party found a magic shop inside town and wandered in.

"Oh look, a blue Asian woman!" Elkin roared and started salivating.

"Oh yeah!" Exhum shouted as he peeked in.

The shopkeeper, a comely blue woman, smiled. Her face suddenly mystically shifted, revealing a completely different pair of pretty eyes.

"Ugh, nevermind, she's just a blue white girl," Elkin complained.

The shopkeeper suddenly frowned. "What?"

"We're adventurers. We see blue white girls all the time," Exhum replied. The pair stepped out of the shop in a huff, leaving the magic seller with an exasperated expression. Once outside, the pair found themselves at the mercy of Sarge, who found a step stool so he could climb up and bop both Exhum and Elkin on the head.

"Guys, women are more than just their appearance. We live in an age where powerful men mistreating women run rampant and sexism flourishes in our highest institutions, but such harassment is wrong. We need to take a stand against it," Sarge commanded.

"He's right," Popo grunted. "We all need to do our part to ensure the equal treatment and respect of women in our society. We must be the change we want to see."

Suddenly a voice gasped through liquid as the dying head vampire, blood streaming from his mouth, crawled forward from where the adventurers had left him. "Women deserve equality and the freedom to be themselves, free from male judgement over artificially composed standards of beauty and forced sexualization."

Ack nodded in approval and then curb stomped the head vampire in an explosion of brains and bone. "We have to be the difference, guys. Now go back in there and apologize."

Exhum and Elkin both looked at each other and nodded thoughtfully. They walked back into the magic shop. "We apologize for judging you solely based on our ideas on beauty," Elkin started.

"We hope that you forgive our error as we strive to better ourselves and come to a better understanding of the plight of women in our society," Exhum continued.

The shopkeeper looked at Exhum and Elkin and then out at the curb stomped remains of the head vampire. "Did you guys just kill my cousin?"

Exhum and Elkin looked at each other. "Yes," they both replied with a nod. The shopkeeper brought her palm to her face, and the two left the shop quietly.

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AND SO ENDS TODAY'S RECOUNTING OF THE PARTY'S ADVENTURES IN MIGHT AND MAGIC 4! TUNE IN NEXT TIME FOR MORE ON MINING...WITH VIOLENCE!

[Exhuminator]

You can be my DM any day Ack.

[marurun]

I support this anti-gnome prison industrial complex. Gnomes are a blight on fantasy society.

[BoneSnapDeez]

lol Elkin a weeb even in the M&M universe...

[ElkinFencer10]

lol Elkin a weeb even in the M&M universe...

Damn straight!

[Sarge]

I don't even know how to twerk. Who slipped something into my drink?

[Ack]

More Might and Magic 4 hijinks!

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"So let me get this straight. We bust down all the doors in your mine, kill all the Mad Dwarves we see, and then let you guys go back to monopolizing all of the dwarf mines," Ack said to the dwarf guarding the mine entrance.

"That's correct," the dwarf said with a nod. "Though we don't think of it as monopolizing, per se...just having complete and total control of the gold mine market so that we can set prices accordingly and generate artificial shortages of currency used by all other peoples of the world here."

Ack shrugged and turned to the others in the party. "Seems fair to me."

Bone raised his hand. "I have a question: why are they called the Mad Dwarves? Are they crazy, or just angry?"

The dwarf blushed a little and shook his head. "They're our raving brothers. They keep screaming something about open markets, competition, that kind of thing. We think they're all raving lunatics. All you have to do is go in, kill them all, and then kill their leader, King Ron Paul-Dwarf."

"Oh, oh!" Exhum frantically waved his hand. "If we find gold, can we mine it ourselves?"

The dwarf laughed. "What, YOU?! Sure, folks, try your best. Humans mining. Why, that's ridiculous. Humans haven't mined since we all gave up using coal. I mean, coal! Who uses that? It's terrible for the environment."

The party looked between themselves and wandered into the mine. A few blood-soaked hours later in the dark, the party marched right back out with numerous large bags over their shoulders. The dwarf, still at his post, stared at them with wide eyes.

"Here is the head of King Ron Paul-Dwarf," Ack said as he pulled the head from his bag and put the bloody thing straight into the dwarf's hands.

"And here is our share of gold, from every vein there is. I guess we own the monopoly now," Exhum said with a smirk. "Who knew basing your entire monetary system on a limited supply of rocks within the underbowels of the planet's crust could have such a strange impact. We're like the richest people there are now."

The dwarf stood dumbfounded as the party sauntered away before finally dropping the head at his feet with a squelch.

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The party now stood inside a massive castle. "We'd like to buy that other ruined castle we saw," Sarge declared.

The wizened castle architect looked the party over. "With what, poors?"

"With all the gold in existence, peasant," Elkin said as he dropped a bag of gold in front of the architect. The architect stared at it.

"So, uh...guess you own a castle now."

The party all jumped up together at the same time, freeze-framing in a high five.

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Ack, Popo, Elkin, Exhum, Sarge, and Bone found themselves standing inside the castle dungeon. "Each of these rooms holds a monster," Sarge said as he examined the bars and gates of each cell.

"And that means we can kill them!" Popo roared. The party immediately opened the cell door and slaughtered the troll inside, followed by another. Door after door flew open, leading to slaughter, until finally only one remained.

"What foul beast is behind this door?" Ack pondered.

Bone pointed to a sign. "It says 'BEWARE - DRAGON.'"

A deep, throaty growl ripped forth from inside the dungeon cell. The party looked between each other. "Right, well, guess we're off for now," Exhum said with a shrug and sauntered off. The rest of the party followed, except for Popo, who stood at the door. In the distance, the red dragon's eyes glittered in the dark of the dungeon. Popo pointed two fingers at his eyes and then at the dragon.

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The party then burst into the princess' bedchamber. Ack, Popo, Sarge, and Bone immediately went to the princess to speak, while Elkin and Exhum instead turned to raid her panty drawer.

"Brave...er...perverts," the princess said as she looked past Popo's shoulders at her underwear being flung across the room. "I need you to go to Rivercity and get my stuff back from the robbers there."

"Wait, there's an entire city full of thieves around here?" Exhum shouted. "What the hell are we doing here?!"

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Once inside Rivercity, the party was immediately accosted by a beggar. "Alms for me please, sirs," the beggar moaned. The party looked among themselves, until Sarge stepped forward with a coin in his hand.

"Certainly," Sarge said as he reached out. He then froze and stepped back, the coin still in his outstretched hand.

"What is it?" asked Elkin.

"I've heard tale of beggars like these," Sarge said beneath his breath. "They're the worst kind of beggar: Insane Beggars."

"Pfft, that's just a silly superstition to make us feel bad for helping the homeless," Popo replied.

"No, tis true! Look!" Bone shouted. The beggar had risen and pulled back his hood, revealing the word 'damaged' tattooed on his forehead. "They're not only insane, they're JARED LETO INSANE!"

"AHHH! KILL THEM ALL!" Ack cried. The party drew their blades, and the Insane Jared Leto Joker Beggars were soon all slaughtered out of respect for Cesar Romero's mustache.

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The party found themselves outside of a temple, a glowing rock pulsing in Popo's hand. The rock had come from a hideously ugly lady who had claimed to be a mermaid, and they now prepared themselves to enter the forbidden Dungeon of Yak to face the most hideous foes.

"Is everyone ready to kill the dreaded Yak?" Ack asked, his sword already drawn.

"What is a yak, anyway?" Exhum asked. "Do we even know?"

Elkin raised his hand. "I'm pretty sure it's a furry four-legged pack animal kind of like a cow found in the Himalayas." The rest of the party turned and stared at him quizzically until he slowly lowered his hand in embarrassment.

"I'm pretty sure a Yak is an undead monster that looks like a giant floating skull which shoots sleeping death lasers from its eyes," Bone replied. Once again, the rest of the party turned to stare at Bone, until he looked down at his feet and nervously mumbled, "Sorry."

"Either way, we go inside to face it," Popo said as he gave the grumbling guardian the stone to enter. The guardian opened the door, and the party entered, where they encountered wizards, large strange tokens with the mystical runes N-A-M-C-O printed on them, and sarcophagi. Ack touched one of the sarcophagi, and a giant floating skull which could shoot sleeping death lasers from its eyes sprung forth.

"Oh no, Bone was right!" Ack bellowed as he punched the skull out of shock with enough force to shatter it into a million pieces.

The party left with their NAMCO tokens and the ugly mermaid's potion. Even her restored beauty and fish tail were unable to shake the secret horrors of the truth about yaks from the heroes' minds.

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"Yes, we're more than happy to fix up your castle...for a price," the wizened castle architect said.

"Name it," Popo muttered with a grunt.

"Well," the architect looked around. "We kinda sorta need these things called tokens. See, the king's an enormous fan of Pac-Man, but the machine's not set to freeplay, so the more tokens you bring us, the more he gets to play and go after that high score. He's not bad, but he's no Billy Mitchell..." The architect's voice trailed off as he realized the party was staring at him like he was an idiot. "Right, just give me some tokens and we're square."

The party handed over their NAMCO tokens and left to enjoy the new foundations of their crappy castle.

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And so ends today's adventures. Look forward to further future exploits of our heroes in MIGHT AND MAGIC 4!

[Exhuminator]

Exhum instead turned to raid her panty drawer

This is an accurate portrayal of what would happen. Souvenirs!

-

I approve of how our adventures end up with us slaying everyone and raiding everything.

[marurun]

I approve of how our adventures end up with us slaying everyone and raiding everything.

Suddenly I feel as if you've never played an RPG before...

[ElkinFencer10]

I really hope you're saving a compiled version of this somewhere and will, when you're finished, make a giant thread for posterity.

Exhum instead turned to raid her panty drawer

This is an accurate portrayal of what would happen. Souvenirs!

It's almost like he can read our minds.