Re: Revising Games That Defined the Sega Master System
Posted: Fri Dec 08, 2017 11:33 am
Thanks for the update, Racket!
Mind if I do a little proofreading?
Try, "Phantasy Star spawned a larger franchise including three sequels on the Genesis/Megadrive, the Phantasy Star Online/Universe series, and spin-offs on various other platforms." Instead.
I like the link-back to a previous article. That part is good for search engine results. On the other hand, I don't think it needs to be inside of parentheses inside another sentence. Consider writing, "Read up more on Phantasy Star and its legacy in our Together Retro write-up." as a complete sentence at the end of that paragraph.
No offense meant here. Just a couple of sentences with room for improvement. If you like, I could proofread a little bit more.
Mind if I do a little proofreading?
Which both games? This sentence would make more sense if it was preceded by a sentence that mentions two other games. You can also consider removing reference to "both games" altogether.Phantasy Star was jam-packed into a full 4 mb cartridge and was superior to both games in terms of both graphics and sound.
Consider revising this sentence. The syntax feels awkward to me. Maybe this would work better as three short sentences.Originally developed a technical showpiece, Yuji Naka’s programming work (before his days on Sonic the Hedgehog) Phantasy Star also ended up being one of the last significant titles to be released in North America for Sega’s 8-bit console.
The franchise eventually was followed up with three sequels on the Genesis/Megadrive, the Phantasy Star Online and Phantasy Star Universe franchise, and a few other spin-offs on various consoles and handhelds (read up more on Phantasy Star and its legacy in our Together Retro write-up).
Try, "Phantasy Star spawned a larger franchise including three sequels on the Genesis/Megadrive, the Phantasy Star Online/Universe series, and spin-offs on various other platforms." Instead.
I like the link-back to a previous article. That part is good for search engine results. On the other hand, I don't think it needs to be inside of parentheses inside another sentence. Consider writing, "Read up more on Phantasy Star and its legacy in our Together Retro write-up." as a complete sentence at the end of that paragraph.
No offense meant here. Just a couple of sentences with room for improvement. If you like, I could proofread a little bit more.